Where is Alan?

Come back little one...

I lost a hamster over Christmas. No, not up my sphincter. And no, I didn't just leave the cage open like an irresponsible pikey. He burrowed so much that he actually split his cage and crawled out. Now I don't know whether to be offended by this or feel sad. I gave him food, bought him a lovely ball to roll around in, a human name so as not to belittle him, Alan. I was the best Daddy he could have ever dreamed of. And then to just leave like that? And not come back? I feel bitter.

Then I feel sadness. He's out there somewhere in the real world now. Probably selling his body for monkey nuts and cress. (He really liked cress).

I think this song highlights the emotional torment I've been through.


Alan was a gift from a group of friend's for my birthday. He lasted 3 months in my care. The previous year they got me a bonsai tree that I let die after 3 months. Please, don't get me anything living for my next birthday. Unless you want it destroyed within 3 months. Hello, abortion school.