B*stards

The daily bus ride. The kind of drudgery that accentuates the social awkwardness of mankind. Myself evidently included in that. If you're not being eyeballed by a toddler that should more than likely be in foster care you're probably sat in front of a flu-victim that must have had both arms blown off in some holy war because that is the only acceptable excuse for not covering your mouth when you splutter your snotty little swine germs all over the back of my healthy head.


It is the only aspect of modern business where you are frowned upon for trying to pay with actual money. The driver, reacting like I was trying to pay him with a couple of car stereos or an unwanted baby, "Ooooh...you can't pay with that, especially not at this time of the morning". It was a fucking ten pound note. Her majesty the Queen graces that woven piece of fibre and you are going to deny her entry on this bus? Although she probably has a bus pass. Or maybe even a cardboard cut out of some money that she can just stick her face through. Will have to be less than a fiver though.

With this type of stress on bus journeys, it is not surprising to read this headline:

Police appeals after two separate assaults on Bath bus drivers

To be honest though, it's a surprise there have only been two separate incidents.

While on the bus today, the driver let on all of the passengers then buggered off for a couple of minutes, leaving us locked in like contestants on the Crystal Maze. While I was happily daydreaming about what it would be like if they switched on the fans and we all had to scramble for gold envelopes to win a weekend trip to Centre Parcs my mind was interrupted by a child expressing his opposing daydream. "Anyone could hijack this bus right now"... Wow. Really? Is this all kids are thinking now? Hijacking and terrorism? I didn't know whether to feel sorry for the child, being brought up in a scare-mongering, Daily Mail believing, hate-driven world. The fact that simply being locked on a bus prompted panic in this kid. It's either that or this kid will go on to be a hijacker and this prompted his next venture in life. So I had no other alternative than to manually restrain him and perform a citizens arrest. He is currently being held for 14 days without a sniff of a trial.

Now for the bus journey's denouement. The sitting down politics. That moment where every window seat is occupied. You've got your space too. But more commuters arrive. Who are they going to choose to sit next to? Just keep looking out the window. Don't make eye contact. Will you be able to keep your bag on your seat to let everyone know you want to be left alone? I think this is where the term 'Bagsy' came from but I may be wrong. But then there gets to a point when most people have been joined by another commuter. You start to feel like the last one picked for the sports team. Why doesn't anyone want to sit next to you? Even the fat emo kid got picked before you. Then the worst case scenario occurs. Your space is the last one left. And there is one more person to come and sit down. They walk toward you. You try not to pay any attention. They inch closer. Just keep looking out the window. They're about to sit down. You feel quite excited, you're finally going to make the team.....they opt to stand. Bastard.