Cameron's Creme Egg

Spot the Difference?

Like a 15 year old babysitter checking that the kids are playing nicely upstairs our beloved Prime Minister, David "How do you eat yours" Cameron has detoured to Egypt during his sell-out tour of the Middle East to see how things are doing out there. The Faberge faced fool wanted "to make sure this really is a genuine transition from military rule to civilian rule". Surprisingly, Cameron is the first of the world's political leaders to 'check-in' on Egypt since Mubarack's departure. Usually this would be Obama's territory, getting there first with his handsome looks and over-using his catchphrase "Change". He said, "By stepping down, President Mubarak responded to the Egyptian people's hunger for change". Yes, change. So, for a 'change' Obama took a back seat and let Cameron get there first, for a 'change'. Did you know that for every time Obama says the word 'Change' a woman in her 50's is prescribed HRT for the 'Change'?

In a quote from the BBC News pages regarding the Egyptian protests that left hundreds dead, Mr Cameron said he had met "very brave" figures from the protest movement who "don't yet have confidence that this transition is real". This is in stark contrast to the recent protesters in Britain on whom he said, "I want to see them arrested and punished". All because the Duchess of Cornwall may or may not have been poked with a stick. In all fairness though, a stick, a riding crop, same-difference.

Cameron then started throwing around the term 'friend' and how Britain and Egypt have been bestest buds for years. A bit like Uri Gellar on his friendship with Michael Jackson. We all know they probably met twice if he was lucky and MJ just wasn't interested because Gellar is over the age of 10. If Britain and Egypt have been such great friends for so long, how come we didn't step in and do something earlier? That's what we normally do.

Cameron continued, "This is a great opportunity for us to go and talk to those currently running Egypt, and see what friendly countries like Britain and others in Europe can do to help." Friendly countries like Britain? Possibly one of the most unwelcoming places in the world, you're likely to encounter miserable taxi drivers, arsehole bus-drivers, hospital superbugs and Coldplay.

Mr Cameron went on to say it was "right to come here to say that we support the aspirations of people in Egypt for a more genuine, open democracy". Yeah, that's what Egypt needs now, a lecture from a western politician who's been in charge of a country for 5 minutes and has already dashed the hopes and dreams of many of its citizens. Somebody who will jump at the chance to be part of a revolution they played no part in. A prime minister who condemns an act in his own country but applauds it in another. Do us a favor Cameron, leave Egypt be. They have done well enough on their own, over-turning their government. The last thing they need is an enlarged talking prostate gland trying to be their pal or their buddy. Like the awkward step-dad trying to give advice to the step-son that will never respect them. Just sit back and let them do what they have to do. Concentrate on sorting out your own country before you start shitting on everyone elses. Don't make us go Egypt on your arse, son.

Diddy try too hard??

It has emerged this week that Sean "Puffadiddleydoodiddleydee" Combs is the biggest try-hard in the world ever. For years he has hidden his actual dull personality with a lavish facade of mink coats and champagne. Combs' latest "Please like me" party, as they are now officially known, had him resorting to throwing $1million in cash of his own money into the crowd just to liven things up. It is sickening to think just how shite this party must have been to have to go to these drastic lengths. Reports from previous parties state that at one point he paid $30,000 on an orchid display. Not entirely sure what these orchids were doing for it to cost that much but I'm guessing it went down like a pin-prick in a condom.

Forever Trying...

Sources suggest that he has always been a characterless ball bag and is about as interesting as the back of a man's knee. This is evident in the way he raps his monotonous twaddle. If you listen very carefully, in most of his songs he has actually bored himself to sleep so he isn't actually saying anything audible.

On a serious note though, why doesn't he go and build some water wells in hard-hit places around the globe? Maybe a school or two?

B*stards

The daily bus ride. The kind of drudgery that accentuates the social awkwardness of mankind. Myself evidently included in that. If you're not being eyeballed by a toddler that should more than likely be in foster care you're probably sat in front of a flu-victim that must have had both arms blown off in some holy war because that is the only acceptable excuse for not covering your mouth when you splutter your snotty little swine germs all over the back of my healthy head.


It is the only aspect of modern business where you are frowned upon for trying to pay with actual money. The driver, reacting like I was trying to pay him with a couple of car stereos or an unwanted baby, "Ooooh...you can't pay with that, especially not at this time of the morning". It was a fucking ten pound note. Her majesty the Queen graces that woven piece of fibre and you are going to deny her entry on this bus? Although she probably has a bus pass. Or maybe even a cardboard cut out of some money that she can just stick her face through. Will have to be less than a fiver though.

With this type of stress on bus journeys, it is not surprising to read this headline:

Police appeals after two separate assaults on Bath bus drivers

To be honest though, it's a surprise there have only been two separate incidents.

While on the bus today, the driver let on all of the passengers then buggered off for a couple of minutes, leaving us locked in like contestants on the Crystal Maze. While I was happily daydreaming about what it would be like if they switched on the fans and we all had to scramble for gold envelopes to win a weekend trip to Centre Parcs my mind was interrupted by a child expressing his opposing daydream. "Anyone could hijack this bus right now"... Wow. Really? Is this all kids are thinking now? Hijacking and terrorism? I didn't know whether to feel sorry for the child, being brought up in a scare-mongering, Daily Mail believing, hate-driven world. The fact that simply being locked on a bus prompted panic in this kid. It's either that or this kid will go on to be a hijacker and this prompted his next venture in life. So I had no other alternative than to manually restrain him and perform a citizens arrest. He is currently being held for 14 days without a sniff of a trial.

Now for the bus journey's denouement. The sitting down politics. That moment where every window seat is occupied. You've got your space too. But more commuters arrive. Who are they going to choose to sit next to? Just keep looking out the window. Don't make eye contact. Will you be able to keep your bag on your seat to let everyone know you want to be left alone? I think this is where the term 'Bagsy' came from but I may be wrong. But then there gets to a point when most people have been joined by another commuter. You start to feel like the last one picked for the sports team. Why doesn't anyone want to sit next to you? Even the fat emo kid got picked before you. Then the worst case scenario occurs. Your space is the last one left. And there is one more person to come and sit down. They walk toward you. You try not to pay any attention. They inch closer. Just keep looking out the window. They're about to sit down. You feel quite excited, you're finally going to make the team.....they opt to stand. Bastard.